Scott's Thoughts

Moving back

2006-08-06T18:06:00.000-07:00

I'm moving back to Live Journal. I have more friends over there, better communities.

Starting the week with a BANG

2006-07-28T11:02:00.000-07:00

I had a bad feeling before I even got out of bed Monday that it was going to be a bad day and possibly week. That feeling was confirmed when my alarm went off again while I was in the bathroom and rushed to turn it off. I ended up tripping over the audio cable to my LCD tv causing it to tumble forward damaging the screen and bruising my knee in the process. A hit was immediately placed and executed on the offending alarm clock. Now I would need a new screen and alarm clock. To add insult to injury that day there was an accident that had traffic backed up causing me to be 20 minutes late to work. I spent the rest of the day angry and upset.

Tuesday went well enough and I felt I got a lot accomplished but Wednesday was another matter. A major purchase order had gotten turned down by our site director. He wrote this huge long explanation of what seemed time itself instead of just telling what needed to be changed before he could sign off it. He had right to not accept it but he wasted a lot of time and caused confusion in this huge email. I spent most of the day Wednesday trying to get everything together to appease him. Most fo the staff don't like having to deal with him. He's not mean and he is doing his job, he just doesn't go about things in an understanding or tactful way. He has a tendacy to misremember or jump to the wrong conclusion about something.

I'm just ready for this week to be over.

Fighting Obesity

2006-07-20T15:38:00.000-07:00

First off, my new diet changes seem to be doing well. It's hard eating out and getting small or controlled portions but simple things like skipping the fries or only eating half can help. Buffets are death though and only from a mental point of view. The idea of a buffet is eat all you want and if you are eating half, you feel like you are not getting a bargain.

I was doing some curious reading for which HowStuffWorks.com is great for. I was reading up on Diabetis. I'm pretty sure at my young age that I don't have it and there isn't any family history or it save one uncle on my father's side. What I was curious about insulin's affect on the body. In reading I read about a counter compound to insulin called glucagon. When the body is "starving" or has a lack of blood sugar this is released by the body and triggers the cells that hold the energy stores (namely fat cells) to release their glucogen to feed off that. Insulin does the same thing but affects the glucose in the body produced from food. In my understanding this means both acts as door knockers to cell to let them know it's time to eat. In insulin's case it's telling cells that supper is on the table while glucagon is telling cells that they are going to have to eat left overs. In the case of the disease diabetes the cell become resistant to insulin or there isn't enough produced. Basically insulin is ignored or isn't heard loud enough.

Where my interests lie is in the glucagon. If this is the chemical that is responsible for making your body release it's stores, then wouldn't it make sense that this is what should be targeted for weightloss. The body normally maintains about 100mg of blood-glucose per 100ml of blood. I wonder what would be the affect of having an obese person fast but during that fast maintain the blood-glucose levels with glucagon instead of insulin. Would the body not feel hungry if the blood-glucose level is maintained? What studies have been put to the affect of low glucagon levels versus high insulin levels since insulin is the hormone that tells the body to use the available glucose (including fat cells). I think it might be possible with a diet that consists of a multivitamin and a cup of milk (need fat and water for the vitamins to be soluable with) and boosters of glucagon that one could lose weight in a controlled and semi-healthy state.

Hunger, the desire to eat, is always an issue. Two pieces come into play of which the first is the physically feeling of being hungry or full which then plays into the second part of the psycological need to eat. Even if you eliminate the physical pain there is the breaking of the mental addiction. Since the addiction (like most) is reliant on a physical trigger, removing the trigger should help suppress the need but not always. If you have an emotional tie to eating similar to a smoker's or drinker's reliance for relaxation and stress reduction than removing the physical pain won't help without a mental/emotional support system to take its place.

Science is still unsure what exactly causes hunger pain but so far they believe a protein called ghrelin causes you to be hungry while an equal but opposite protein called obestatin gives you the full feeling. Which triggers the release of the proteins is unknown. If I was a betting man I would but 100 dollars on insulin levels. Low insulin levels would be from low blood-glucose levels (assuming the body isn't at good at releasing stored glucagen as it is using glucose from food) and higher glucagon levels. The glucagon could trigger the body to release the gheralin protein making you feel hungry and thus eat. Eat increase glucose which triggers insulin increase and shifting your body to stop using stored glucagen and start using glucose from the food. The increased insulin then triggers the obestatin protein which signals the "full" feeling. This coincides with slow eaters who eat less because they give their body time to produce the increase insulin and trigger the obestatin versus fast eaters who intake a greater amount before the insulin trigger can take place. The lingering "over-stuffed" feeling comes from the larger insulin spike and thus greater trigger effect due to the increased glucose intake.

Some times I wish i had a research lab to test my theories.

The Dream that was Atlantis

2006-07-17T09:15:00.000-07:00

Not anything new going on, still attempting to stick with the diet. I've been eating a lot of watermelon with it though. I should look up how many calories watermelon is. I'm afraid it's more than I think.

I had a real lucid dream alst night, the kind where you can remember everything when wake up. I dreamt I was on a big ship like a cargo ship out in the atlantic somewhere in the bermuda triangle. An odd storm suddenly came up from nowhere but had no rain. There seemed to be an odd glow in the middle and instead of sailing around it, we went toward it. We went through it what only seemed as longer than what anyone else would have been brave enough to go through it for.

The next thing I knew I woke up on the shore of some tiny cove. Before me lead to a path of rough cobble stones. Something long forgotten but not ancient - more recent and neglected or poorly placed. There seemed to be various bamboo or wooden poles along the path and rough thatched huts scattered about. The path went not far from the shore to an open canyon between two rock cliffs just wide enough for the path. Beyond the canyon wall entrance was a valley where there where more of the huts and jungle trees. Amoungst all this there were various people walking about. They wore modern looking clothing and seemed to be from all walks of life. Most of them paid me no mind, like I had always been there. One man came up to me though and helped me off the shore and off the path. He was helpful for the most part but seemed not to take well to all my questions - like I should have just known everything already. Most he answered with "I don't know". Even though he appeared to have been here for some time he genuinely seemed not to know much about the place.

We walked the path up a hill and just through the opening between the two rock cliff walls and on our right side next to the path was a circular plateform maybe 30 feet accross with a cylindical monument about 4 feet in diamater that went up 6 feet, tapered in a bit with a brass colar then went up another 4 or 5 feet and ended in a cone point. The stone was a wet looking gray and polished absolutely smooth. It seemed out of place here with the rough stone path and had a feeling of something very old but looking as good as the day it was created. Something in the back of my mind made me think "Atlantis".

I had only stopped for a glance at the monument and continued up the path with the man asking more questions. "Is this Atlantis?" I asked and the man only answered "I don't know".

The path curved to the right down and went into the side of the cliff. There things took a different look. Carved into the side of the cliff was an opening with a smooth stone floor and carved stone passageways that went farther into the cliff. Just inside the large opening there was a large sunken circle maybe 3 feet deep. What was on this was definitely out of place. Inside of it was a very odd shaped brass or metal flat cone shaped saucer with a tall, skiny cone point extending from the top of it up of the pit a good 6 feet. From the top of the point, a metalic glode of the earth sat and a mobile of different aircraft were suspended around the globe. Some where model of modern aircraft, others looked like toys. What concerned me more was the metalic saucer at the bottom of the pit. It had the definite look of something that would fly in space. A little plaque next to it had a word I didn't know and the word probe. It was in English which I found surprising. The word I didn't know seemed know had the feeling of a name versus a word like it was named after someone.

We sat down next the to circular pit which had a raised wall about 2 feet high and about 1 foot think around it. I started asking more questions and I had gotten the feeling that most people weren't familiar with the aircraft types that were suspended from the mobile. Several people had gathered around us. I finally asked the man a question he had some answer to - how did he get here. He went into a tale about how he was driving his truck one day I think in Texas when he saw a light in the sky. He drove toward the light and next thing he knew, he was here. Most people had similar experiences they shared. There was also a feeling of these people being out of touch and apathetic to their situation. They seemed to have accepted their fate. It was then that I asked people if they knew the significance of the planes they say. No one knew. No one knew if they were real things or not. It seemed like everyone had come from a time of almost 70 years ago before most of these craft existed. I began pointing out each of the arcraft and if it was real or not. There was a large C-9 transport plane in army camoflage which I pointed at and said "that's real". There was a funny looking large plane of colorful plastic to which I said "that's a toy". I did this to all of them including to what looked like a 747 with a silly looking gattling gun on the left side of the fuselage near the nose. The large "probe" ship at the bottom was the only one I didn't know.

Not long after this when I started to ask more questions about this place did the man that found me offered to show me a different area of the complex. He lead me through only of the stone passageways that went into the cliff. Not long we entered a very modern looking warehouse or equipment room. The stone hallway emptied onto a metal grated open floor like you'd find in a ship cargo hold or storeroom. We where what seem like 100 feet up and on the left wall of a large square room. The walkway was about 6 feet wide and went down about 40 feet to a small set of stairs that went down about 5 feet and ended at a big red platform. The platform then had a long step slope of stairs and rails that you could grab both sides and slide down on like a ship. We walked down a few stairs before I got bored and used the rails. The man then followed me down on the rails as well.

We went through a double door at the bottom of the stairs and came into another square room. This one was about 30 feet tall and had a walkway about half way up and went around the perimeter of the room. We had come up at the bottom of the room on the right side. To the left of the doors was a huge rusted over turbine-looking device. It had to have a diamter of 30 feet and was embedded into the wall purposely. It was not working but it still spun freely requiring almost no effort to move it. Sparks of electricity would zap around the large flywheel as it was turned. The man just gave me a look like it had always been like that.

Back on the right side of the room there was what looked like the remains of a wooden power pole that had fallen over and shattered. The pole appeared mashed beyond use and only faded bits of wood remained in a giant T shape. While studying it I saw something move amoung the debris and immediately I thought "Aliens!" or some such nonsense and lost my lunch. I didn't even have time to react, my stomach lept to my throut and came out almost hitting the man. He just murmurred "what's wrong with you" as I looked back to what had set me off. All along the ground there where these silverfish looking magenta creatures. I had near seen anything like them but on close examination they appeared benign. Now that I had a good look there were lots of them covering the rear right corner of the floor. They seemed to move all at the same time like fish in a school. They hummed a low variable tone in unison almost like they were singing.

Forgetting the red silverfish for a moment I looked back allow the walls and could see the wooden pedastal where the power pole had sat and see where the powe lines had run. Between the entry doors and the generator was a small transformer or junction box attached to the wall. It had the signs of a major power short around it. Above it there was a trail of some kind of now dried liquid that had drips down onto it from a vent that was about 10 feet above the box. It looked like some kind of idiot designer had decided to put the condenser for a cooling system directly above the junction box so that if there was a leak, it would drip down right on top of it.

I took everything in and decided that I could probably repair most of it and maybe get it working again. The man that was with me looked at me again with a total lack of understanding of what any of this was as well as an apathy to doing anything with it.

It was then that I awoke from the dream.

Back from the PNW

2006-07-12T13:45:00.000-07:00

I just got back from a week's vacation up in the Pacific Northwest. Where I work we have mandatory vacation breaks equaling to about 4 weeks a year PLUS holidays and a few personal and sick days. One can literally say I only work 10 months our of the year.

Anyways, I drove up to Boise, ID (always a long time). I had to drive versus fly because I have Idaho plates and have to get a smog check every year - in Idaho. It gives a convenient excuse to visit my mom. Stayed there for a few days and got together one night with my aunt and cousin for dinner. We then drove over to the Oregon coast and stayed at this nice place called Inn at Otter Crest near Newport. It's another 8 hour drive to the coast but at least there is something to see for most of the trip. We spent the first day there driving north along the coast and stopped at any place that looked fun following no schedule at all. The next day we drove south under the same plan. I decided to wear a tank top the second day and later regretted it as my ill-exposed skin burned in the sun. I'm currently peeling skin off (yuck and ow).

The hotel was really nice and decently priced for the coast. You find a lot of flea-bag motels that charge way too much for just a bed and roof. We stayed at the cheapest rooms and was very happy with what we got. It made us wonder what the nicer rooms were nice. The whole place is setup with individual building quads that sit at various heights on a hill side. There are paths running every where that bellhops can run you and your luggage to and from the parking lot. It being the Oregon coast, the whole place was tucked into the forrest even though we were right on the coast. There is a really nice restuarant that is just below the inn and the inn has a little tram that goes up and down the hill for guests and takes you to the restaurant and pool area as well as beach access. I think I'll be visiting again next year but I'll see if I can bring a group with me next time and get the better rooms.

I also started my new diet yesterday. It's not much of a diet really as what I eat won't change much, just how much I eat. No more double burgers, skip the french fries and back to diet soda or water. I plan to eat about half of what I normally do. I'm goign to start hitting the gym more regularly too even if I don't have a workout buddy. It'll actually be nice considering afternoon traffic is such a pain. I tired of being fat and having women ignore me. If I do like how I look, how can I expect someone else to.

Whew, work calms down

2006-06-19T16:14:00.000-07:00

It's been too long since my last post. Work has calm down enough that I can squeeze in an update. I installed a new Exchange mail server at work and got us off the horrible GoDaddy accounts. It's fine for a small place but thinking about all that wasted email bandwidth that could have remained in house and lack fo features, I'm glad we're off it. The change over went fairly smooth this morning. I've got a lot of things brought under control and are eaiser to manage. I still want to update all the sfotware on the computers (which we did a few weeks back). I also have a service ticket system to roll out followed by some new copiers stuff and phone systems (items less sensitive and less management).

There has always been a slight possibility that when the new grant holder for my program has been chosen, I may not come over with it depending on their IT needs. If this happen, I may work for Rich (if he'll hire me). It's funny, I've been the one person amoung our group to not work at home with Rich on his work but probably the best suited. We'll see when the time comes. Heck, I might be able to get some of my ideas off the ground. I've got a couple from the experiences I've had working with the non-profs.

I've been spending my last couple of weekends relaxing and doing little other than watching movies and playing games. I think I'm ready to get back to projects aagin like building a covering for the dogs in the back yard or working on my writing site. Since its predecessor came back online I've been contemplating in giving it up. It is harding justifying my home time for it than it was. I don't, it's a good exercise for me, I just have issues being motivated about it as I once was.

I've got a week off coming up right around the 4th of July weekend that I plan on spending with my mom and maybe go to Yakima and then the ocean for a few days. I don't think I'll spend my entire week off up there, probably most of it though.

As far as my non-existant love life is concerned, I've definitely given up on the online sites. It's all the same people using it as a buffet to pick and choose. No one writes back. Even though I'm working for a new place I don't see a whole lot of possibilities - either too old or no similarities.

I'm getting kind of sick of the whole idea any more. I know that I am being hypocritical if I expect to find someone I have any attraction to and expect them to ignore than for me. It doesn't help that I'm looking for something that doesn't exist - especially in this town. Smart, funny, geek interests, understanding and caring and attractive? I've got a one in a million chance and less when you add myself into the factor. I care about these things so why shouldn't other people? I am becoming more prepared to live my life alone. I would never be happy settling. I must either suck it up and change that which needs to be changed or accept my fate.

It gets me down but I'm not all that depressed out it. In some regards it makes my life easier only having to worry about myself, living how I want, not worrying about some one else's happiness or welfare. It does get lonely though and it's hard not having someone I can talk to about personal matters - matters I could never talk to my friends about. The worst part is knowing that could be an excellent mate, lover, father, etc but never getting the chance. I feel that way about most things. I KNOW I can do and excell at anything (even most physical activities) given enough practice or learning, it's never been a matter of "if". I may never be the best but I'm not looking to be top dog, just be good at it - to have some skill and know I can improve given time.

Work and play

2006-05-10T13:39:00.000-07:00

I guess one could say I've been busy but at the same time not. Work is constantly busy. We are close to getting the last of the pices in place and we'll be turning up our sites all next week. I haven't had to stay after hours yet but that may come a bit next week (if Sprint actually installs).

At home I've been recovering for the day. Lately it is just go to my room and watch Farscape episodes (I'm re-watching the series). I've been playing Guitar Hero and almost put money down to buy a real guitar and amp. I took a second and reconsidered though, I want to know more about it before I get into it. All these games and tiredness though has caused a slow down in work on the writing site. I kind of wish I had not taken up the guantlet but at the same time it's something I wanted to do.

I've found a neat personal's site for geeks and tried it out. Unfortunately it's fairly new and not a lot of people on there yet. Half of the people are single mothers too and I'm not looking for limitations with a new relationship. I've pretty much given up on the other online dating sites. The more I look, I see more of the same people that are looking for that "WOW!" person. It's like a staving man at a buffet: even though he is starving, all that choice will still make him pick and choose. Besides, the general sites have a lot of general people and it's tough trying to figure out if you are right for someone when they are very general about what type of person they are and what they are looking for.

Sam set me up on a sort of blind group date a few weeks ago. A friend of hers has a daughter that works for Mandalay Bay and is about my age and single so they invited her along to a group get together at Firefly. While I love hanging out at Firefly with a group, it is not the best way to find out if you like someone. She didn't know anyone there except her mom and didn't talk or interact much with the group. From the little I did find out she is smart and well-traveled and likes where she works. She's not a grand beautiful but fairly cute and well within my parameters. I think it would have better if it was a more intimate setting and we had a chance to talk one to one more. So far it's a "we'll see" with her.

Overall I'm not quit ready to give up just yet but at the same time I realize that my goals may be unattainable (at least in vegas) or unrealistic but I know I wouldn't be happy settling for someone. I'd rather be alone than be miserable thinking I made a mistake and it would make thigns miserable for the other person too. If and when I do give up here, I don't think I'll be too broken up about it. All things change given enough time.

Shiny and new

2006-04-07T16:17:00.000-07:00

I've been working the new place for 3 weeks and I am much happier. I've ran into a few obsticles but no more than I expected with an organization such as the one I'm in. I've had more delays in things like DSL lines than I thought I would but I've done everything in my power (and a bit not in my power) to get things pushed on. I'm still much better off than with the timeshare company. Since I work for an interim company there is a possibility that I may not move on when the new company that picks up the program comes on but I'll cross that bridge when I come to it. For the moment I'm just going to enjoy the ride and experience.

I'm off all next week for spring break. Since it's an education program I work for, they get 4 weeks off as as the various schools close and such. This means garunteed, manditory 4 weeks vacation in addition to all federal and a few sick and personal days off. Unfortunately my time is going to be spent more re-assembling the new house then having fun (or in theory anyways).

The move went over alright for the most part. U-haul gave us the crappiest truck I've ever driven. Even with a 24' truck it still took 3 trips not counting the several car trips everyone did. We were able to get into the new place before the 1st which was a good thing because Mark and Lydon weren't available on the weekend so we were able to get their help Thursday and Friday. As it was, the gang took a half day Friday to get started. I didn't get my bed setup and usable until late Sunday night. There were some frustrations and in the end we concluded that we'd pay movers to do it next time no matter the cost. Everyone waits to the last minute and we all have our own schedules so it's hard to get things done a head of time and efficiently.

The new place is going to work out better than I hoped. The house has its own internal Cat5 pulled to all the rooms and a central wiring closet so we put in a patch panel and added the correct ports to the rooms. However installed it pulled 3 lines of Cat5 to each room and only one of them for phone so we had more than enough to choose. We were also able to move the switch, router and cable modem into the closet instead of sitting out somewhere. The servers got moved downstairs into the basement. The basement is our new game room. Now the girls can play vido games down there and leave the tv in the computer room for movies. It will also serve for our role-playing sessions. Ah, the cliched basement role-playing. My room is wider but not as long but I got my bed and all the furniture to fit in nicely. A drawback is that the tv sits farther back and the range on the mouse isn't enough. I almost bought a new mouse/keyboard setup to fix it but then I remember with it farther back it is harder to see. I think I'm just going to move the tv to the foot of the bed again and leave the gap behind the tv and table it sits on.

Lots of stuff to do this next week with the house. This break couldn't have come at a better time (except maybe THIS week).

How to reduce stress at work - quit work

2006-03-18T00:55:00.000-08:00

Well I finally did it, I quit my job. I was offered another position as the IT supervisor for the Headstart program for Clark County. The program is for under-priviledged kids for pre-school. EOB had the grant but lost it. An interim company is there now taking over the program until a new Grantee can be found. I'm working for the interim company and will be in charge of the network and rebuilding the network so that it is seperate from EOB. It's a real supervisor/manager job too so I get real control of it. It even pays more. It's going to be a lot of work at first and my first real manager position. It'll be interesting.

So I quit my old job the day after I was offered the new position. I didn't give notice because the new job needs me to start right away and I'm not depended for anything at the old place. I was doing busy work for the last week and a half. They really don't need some one of my skills, my boss just needs some tech lackey and I don't want to be a lackey. When I started being asked to learn how to do contracts (a waste of IT labor in my opinion) and help move funiture from the CEO's house and wait on hold so my boss wouldn't have to that was the clincher. I think I would have quit in a few weeks if something hadn't come up. Actually I would have stayed long enough to test out for my MCSE 2003 and then quit after they paid for the tests. Shitty but then again so was the job.

Got a bunch of boxes for the move. I also found out Mark and Lydon (he's Mark's buddy from the reserves who is staying with us) will most likely be gone when we move and Bill has a bad back. We will most likely be hiring moves then which was the orginal plan. We are also going to probably throw a good portion of stuff away; we've been holding onto a lot of junk that we haven't touched in a while.

I FINALLY got the bed of my truck lined. It looks awesome and well worth the 400. Since I left Nevada Health Centers and making more money I've been able to save quite a bit. I even dumped a bunch into a savings acccount and after the move may put more there. Rich got offered some investment opportunities for our savings that we are going to put a portion into. It's a risk as is any investment but we aren't putting all our eggs in one basket so even if we lose it all, we will still have well more than half our savings.

Even though I've been going gun-ho on all the (free) dating sites I'm in a holding pattern and not worrying about it for the moment. With the new job and house move and all the other projects and craziness there isn't a whole lot of time. Sam and Glenda are suppose to be setting me up with a friend of their's daughter. She's already delayed things by not wanting to meet because she's been sick and over-all uneuthesiastic. To be honest I'm not sure I want to meet some one without knowing what she is like and her me. I can't get much from Glenda and Sam which is not a good thing. Despite their assurances that I am quite a catch, they don't seem to understand the reality of the situation.

I don't really have a lot of things going for me. While I am not ugly, I'm no Brad Pitt. Well maybe if Brad gained 100 pounds and 4 inches and had a more stocky vs wirey frame. My likes and activities are broad but have a tendacy toward the geeky. Most women don't find it appealing when you tell them you watch and enjoy anime and cartoons as well as other things. Even if you explain it to them that you are not a fanatic, they don't want to hear it unless they themselves are into it. The fact I live with a bunch of room mates that are close friends and I spend a lot of time with them is usually a put off. It is hard for a lot of people to share a place, let alone a place with a bunch of people you don't know. It's even harder finding some one willing to step into that situation and can get along with everyone for the most part. You don't just get a boyfriend but also a house full of friends. Another aspect of myself which should be a turn on turns out to be the opposite. Apparetnly my intelligence is intimidating or so I am told by female friend at work. I have a tendacy to be picy and am looking for someone I have at least some attraction to physcially in addtional to emotionally and mentallity. Beggars can't be choosers but I'd rather stave then eat something I dislike. I also am not very aggressive in the beginning, I tend to come off as a friend. As much as I've heard and read about women wanting a "nice" guy, they apparently do not understand the meaning of the word nice. I've found that what women think of as nice and what men think of nice are two different things. When a man says they want a nice woman they are taking about some one that is much more of the motherly type who appears innocent on the outside and isn't crazy or high maintenance. On the inside and in private, that can be a whole different thing. From what I can tell a woman's definition of a nice guy is some one romantic, gentlemanly, handsome, ambitious and loyal. Otherwise known as extremely attractive physically or wealthy or manipulating player that can talk a women into bed after which they complain about there being no nice men any more.

I am close to reaching that point where I will no longer care. I've thought about it and having a significant other in my life may only increase my stress. I've already got people that care about me and friends I can talk and relate too. My physical needs are easily and more convienently and readily being met than if I had a partner. It won't be too much longer before things like a family will be too late and as far as emotional needs, it'll just be a matter of convincing myself that it's not worth the headache and become a lifelong bachelor. I will probably still be open to meeting some one but only if they meet my requirements and I won't be going out of my way to meet them.

Our house is a very, very nice house

2006-03-02T08:59:00.000-08:00

The roomies and I went and looked at a house I found on craigslist. It's a huge 5400 sq ft house offered at a pretty good price for rent. It is almost too good to be true. The only problem is the location is a bit out of what we were looking around but I think we can adjust. The new place will work out great for us. Mark is going to let the guy know tonight that we want it. We'll move in beginning of next month.

Not much else going on at the moment. Boss is out for the day so it's going to be an easy day.

Boldly going nowhere

2006-02-28T12:23:00.000-08:00

Life has been life I guess. I've been hitting the paper and online sources looking for a new job. I'm even using a placement agency at this point (inadvertently). It's hard working when you know you want out. It's even more hard to be motivated to complete anything at work knowing you will hopefully be leaving soon. I'd like to go back to where I worked before but on better terms. Seems everyone there is batting for me except the powers that be. I don't know if my old boss even wants me back since he didn't seem to fight for me much to stay nor was he all that unhappy I was leaving. I managed myself a lot since I was familiar with everything and had been there a while. I liked it that way.

I did the whole round robin thing with the online dating ads again. I'm having a hard time finding what I want. There are people to write to but online dating for women is like a buffet - they have lots to pick from and only choose the things that look good. For men, online daiting is like applying for a job. You make your profile as best as you can and submit to potentials and hope you get accepted. In my case, I am having trouble finding one that I can work well with. I need someone that is intelligent but geeky enough to like doing the things my room mates and I do. Such women are hard to find and are taken rather quickly. Most of the ads I see are more mundane about things. The ones that aren't tend to learn toward artistic which isn't bad but isn't the same.

Glenda, Sam and I have started working out regularly again. I miss working out, I think it keeps the blood moving in my viens. This last weekend my head pounded but not from a headache. It felt more like you do when you stand on your head and all the blood rushes to it. I had to go for a walk for a bit just to clear it. I think such things mean I might have a high-blood pressure problem starting but I'm not sure. I need to go get checked out.

Glenda and Sam have also taken some interest in lack of love life and are going to try and hook me up with the daughter of one of the other ladies they hang out with. I don't know much about her other than she works at Mandalay Bay's Shark Reef aquarium and has a degree in marine biology and is shy. Blind dates make me nervous but they promised to set it up as a bunch of people getting together instead of one on one to see if we even like each other. We'll see how things go.

The roomies and I are looking for a new place. We are a little too crowded for parking and almost everyone has a girlfriend so bathroom timing becomes an issue. It's been kind of rough because either the place is too far for one person or another, is gated and the HOA won't allow for curb-side parking, doesn't allow pets or gets taken by someone else first. Honestly we are probably the worst group to rent to statics wise. Large group of people sharing a place with lots of cars with cats and dogs.

Speaking of the roomies, we've all found our new distraction for a while. Dungeons & Dragons Online got released so we are all signed up for that. the game is very focused on groups so soloing will be out of the question. It's already caused me to lose some time working on my new site. The new site is coming along slower than I want but only because of my own procrastination and having to learn a whole new code base. This means being dependant upon richard's availability and willingness to help. I hate to bug him because I know he was his own sites to work on. The trick with .net I've found is that you should know VB or whatever the backend code base you are using in order to be comfortable with it. So as I'm learning, I'm being forced to learn an object-oriented code base which I could fake using asp 1.0. I'm learning and it's started to click. Once I've been shown certain basics, I can manipulate and build on that to get what I want. It's been fun and it's good to be productive.

A new project

2006-02-08T14:17:00.000-08:00

Things have been going up and down as of late. Some days I feel like I can make it, others I think why bother and have this urge to go backpacking in Fuji or anything that translate into escape. I still hate and am bored by my current job and still can't find a date (I know, I'm pathetic). I do have some hope for the job situation though. Apparently lots of people want me to return back to where I use to work and today should be approaching the CEO to ask about the possibility of my turned. It's nice to feel wanted.

My mom sent me some pictures that were taken over christmas break that didn't make me feel that good about myself. In the picture I'm sitting down and playing with my sister's daschund. When someone is over-weight and sits in a chair, that fats seems to bundle up anymore. I looked at this picture and thought "God, I'm fat!" I looked in the mirror and thought about that picture and thought that the person in the picture couldn't be mena, I'm not "that" fat. the sitting position and loose close though made me look horrible. I want to do something but I'm tired when I get home and would rather hang out with friends than go to the gym. I've cut back a lot on my eating a lot and have seen some loss but not at the rate I want and not from the areas I want to see it lost at.

I've started doing more writing again. It's always been an on and off again thing but my mood has been low enough that I need to express myself and thus have started up again. I wrote up a couple of pages on an intro scene for one of the characters in a new book (this would be #3) called Downtime. I'm starting to get the hang of it. My paragraphs are much more descriptive and I'm becoming quite inventive in my style and form. Now my writing feels like novel level writing.

I went to a site called rateyourwriting.com the other day to check out a friend's work. I liked the site but before I could even get involved they annouced that they were shutting down. There was one person on their boards that expressed interest in starting a new site but she wants to do all arts, not just writing. She also doesn't have much experience in web development so she doesn't quite know what she is getting herself into. I therefor am taking it upon myself to create a similar writing site. I hope to start writing the first bits of code today. I want to do it in .NET 2 so I'm going to have to be relying on Richard quite a bit. It's going to be slow at first but a good exercise for me.

Doing ok

2006-02-05T18:18:00.000-08:00

My depression has settled down a bit from my last post. Still alone and unhappy but it's not keeping me down.

I'm been rumaging through myspace.com and I'm not real impressed. The forums are filled with mean spirited people that don't take anything anyone posts serious. I found lots of threads where somone posted a questions and the entire first page of responses were people making fun of the question, the poster, sarcastic remarks or just assinine remarks.

This made me think of the nature of man and the internet. The internet gives people a layer of anonimity and lets them shed their normal layer of social politeness and self-censorship. The result is the true nature of people and what happens when left to their own means without authority. The internet is an anarchy on a world wide scale. Some people try to create order within their small spheres of influence but ultimately out-numbered against the unwashed masses.

Want to know what someone is really like? Put them on an internet forum and watch how they interact with other people.

I've been searching for a heart of gold...

2006-02-03T10:48:00.000-08:00

I've been hitting the personal sites again. I am pretty much the only person in the house that doesn't have a girlfriend not that is a reason to go find one, just a reminder of my situation. I'm tired of being alone. I want to share my life with some one in the ways only lovers can. Friends are fine but they don't fill the hole, they only distract from its presence.

I've posted to most of the major sites and have done my own searches. I've even messaged a few people but I never hear back. I even tried out eharmony that you see advertised. I was very impressed with their personality and match reports. What killed it was that I have no match. In all of Las Vegas there is no one that is using eharmony that I match with. I decided to open the filter and match with any one from the US - nothing - and that is what really frightens me. Surely there should be even one person that comes close that is registered on that site. This only adds to my pessimistic fear that there maybe no one that is for me.

Most people that try and cheer me up about it tell me that there is at least one person out there for you. What if that one person is in rural China or worse, hooked up with someone that wasn't quite their match because they were close enough? Maybe I am so unique in the world that I have no match. Apparently being adaptable and easy-going may let you survive in the wild but not in finding a mate.

I know online personals are probably the worst place to meet people but I don't have a lot of opportunity otherwise. I'm not in school, everyone I work with or have worked with has been 10 to 20 years older than me and I don't frequent bars or such places. I have little social interaction outside my group of friends.

I've become deathly afraid of reaching 30 and still being alone. 30 is like this barrier that says any enjoying your youth with someone is greatly reduced. At 30 I will look back and think that after over a decade of looking and hoping and wishing that something would happen, I am still here and unhappy as ever, my dreams shattered and trampled upon with little progress to show. I want to become greater than I am, to be part of something greater than myself; instead I feel alienated and left out.

I wish for once something would go my way for the better.

Move along little doggie

2006-01-31T16:26:00.000-08:00

I believe I have talked about our room mate Ry moving out and another guy taking his place. Things got a little mroe complicated after that though. So the new guy, bill moved in and at first we didn't think his girlfriend was coming but she did. We are also have a guy staying with us for a couple of months in our tv room and of course Richard's dad has been crashing in our loft for a few months now. The house has gotten quite full. A 4 bedroom 2.5 bath house is hosuing about 9 people and 8 cars. As one can imagine it's becoming crowded.

We've started looking for a new place. We think the guy staying with us temporarily (Lighten by the way) might want to move in permanently so we are looking for a 5 bedroom with 4 or more bathrooms and lots of parking. We are willing to pay more but trying to avoid all the new homes in North Las Vegas of which there seems to be plenty (but no one wants to move there - it's no far from everything). Such large houses are hard to find and when they are available get snatched up. 2 we found got snatched up before we could even see it.

With all the people in the house though I have a need to retreat to my room again. I have found that with more people around I tend to feel less needed or desired. I might be that I crave attention or simply I need more privacy or a feeling of space.

As for work, I've decided to look for another job. I've applied at sveral places including the county and the Water Authority (both were looking for IT people). It is so nice to apply for a job and feel like you can easily meet the qualifications if not exceed them. My current job is just not exciting for me. I spend most of my day looking like I'm keeping busy. When I do have something to do it ends up being a lot of babysitting of managers and some times their non-work related projects like finding a car kit for some one's blackberry. I'm basically bored and unchallenged. My trip to St Louis at least kept me busy.

Then there is George who I work with. I can't really say anything bad about him but he is difficult to deal with. He has some strange ideas about how things should be run and he's overly paranoid on some things and unrealistic on others. He doesn't seem to know how to handle people very well (correction - people that aren't beautiful women). He seems more of the typical arrogant IT guy. He's been gone all week and it's been relaxing without him. I don't like have to go to someone else because they know the specifics on something that I am not yet familiar with.

I've started writing to people I find interesting on the online dating sites again. I'm not holding my breath though. I've had some horrible experience with online dating. One of the older women I worked with at my last job had a friend they wanted to hook up with me. They couldn't quite answer the age question though. It's not that I don't find older women attractive or an't get along with them (on the contray, quite the opposite) it's that I am one of the few guys that is looking for a real relationship, not just something to sleep with and in order to have a real relationship I need someone closer to my age. I want to be able to enjoy a significant other's company before it's time to have a family. My folks had kids in their early 30s and that is late for some. I'm not in a hurry to have a family but I do one day want one and I don't want to be 60 when my kids graduate highschool. Of course if science develops those anti-aging drugs I've been reading progress on then I wouldn't be so worried about the age.

The other hard part about finding someone is that I am looking for certain specifics. It has to be someone I have some kind of attraction too and that includes physical and mental. It also needs to be someone that can mesh into my current group of roomies/friends. We are all so close that to have a relation that clashes with them presents a deal breaker. This is unless I finally go crazy and decide to give it all up and just wander. Fortunately my need to have a stable home overides such feelings and is probably the only thing that keeps me in place.

Viva Las Vegas

2006-01-16T20:02:00.000-08:00

Well, my stay in St Louis got extended til Wednesday. I still have a lot to do but I think I will be able to get it done. Lots of "you can't do it that way, it looks like crap". Typical salesmen attitude, appearance over function. It's not a necessarily wrong way of thinking but it would be nice to tell you waht is exceptable and what is not up front. It's hard to explain to such a mind that computers and phone have cords and there is no way around it.

This Greg guy I've been working with to open the office is interesting. He's a saleman type but he's really into music and composing/writing. He's been telling me a few things about musical structure that is very educational.

I think this trip has convinced me that I'm not the wanderlust type. It's out of my system now. While I may not want to leave and wander now, I'm still unhappy - hey, who isn't. I had some girl write to me only to have it turn out to be a clever porn site come on. I hate those. It's one thing if it;s right out spam and it's another where it takes an email or two before they give you a link to a site where they keep their "naughty" pictures. Just another reminder of how alone I really am. I don't need any more of those.

I think about my home a lot more lately. Rich and Jenn are getting married and Mark has had a steady girlfriend for a while now. Ry is gone and Bill is moving in and he has a girlfriend. I have become the "single" friend. While it's not pronounced or evident now it will be one day. Granted it may take years but I can already imagine the issues that will pop up. Granted my friends are the best friends a man can ever ask for bu there will be unsaid things and I just will not feel right or a part of things as I once was.

Depression's little irony: I'm lonely so I withdraw socially which makes me more lonely. When I reach out and try to find someone and fail, it only reinforces the feeling and desire to withdraw deeper. Ha.

I'm am totally ready to go home right now to my own bed and room.

Road Movie to Berlin

2006-01-11T20:50:00.000-08:00

As I write this I'm sitting in a hotel room in St Louis, MO and using a Tom Clancy book to keep the laptop from coking my leg.

What am I doing here? The company I work for is opening a new office in St Louis. Originally I was only going to be here for a few days but since we had several different deliver dates for things and no one could decide when what would be available they extended it to a full week. I flew out last Sunday and theoretically I will be leaving next Sunday assuming the equipment I ordered gets here in time. There is about 2 days of real work although I am appreciating the extra time. I don't have to hurry through things or work late. Expect for the first day I've been using my time fairly decently.

I'm working with this other guy Greg. Greg is a bit of a nut. Very nice and complimentive and seems very appreciative of my work but his a salesmen personality and it's starting not to seem as sincere. Older fellow and single as far as I can tell. He's got a love of music and it's fun to talk to him about it. The problem is I'm kind of a cynic so such pleasantries seem odd and unnecessary. It's not like I'm going out of my way for anything. He's not bad to work with, just a little odd. :-)

An unexpected bonus being out here is that I get to visit Josie and I didn't have to pay for airfare. I was secretly hoping that time away might change her mind and I thought it had but ever eluzive are her true feelings. One day it seems she does, the next she doesn't. I think I have finally comes to terms about her: I can't wait for her to make up her mind. She also likes being alone (or so she says) a lot more. I could see days where I would want to be in her company and she would just want to be left alone. Things wouldn't work out and would only make me lonely but in a realtionship. Sort of like being alone of a crowd.

St Louis isn't that bad of an area. There are trees out here and the river and hills (no mountains). The traffic isn't as bad as Vegas even though it's twice the size. The people here are nice and friendly. If you make eye contanct with anyone they feel obligated to say hello. Things are not quite so in a hurry here which carries a mix of relief and annoyance. If I had to live here I don't think I could complain.

I picked up a few books to read while on my trip. While looking for books I found Tom Clancy's NetForce book. I found out later it is a series and that the one I'm reading Springboard is 5th of 6th in the series. I gave up reading Tom a long time ago. I stopped finding his books entertaining. This one is smaller in size and has a computer/sci-fi theme so I thought I'd give him a try. My biggest compliant about Clancy's work was that he spent too much time developing characters and plot. The books I liked the best were the ones that mixed some kind of action in with it. Tom also has the tendancy to follow a dozen people at once which makes for confusion. This new book was smaller so to me that meant less words wasted on over-development. I'm about 3/4s done and I am again not liking his writing. The book apears to be a corlaboration of several people actually and I'm not sure if Tom is doing the main writing or what but I was getting to parts where there was so much jumping around that it switched between people ever page. There is a lot of far-fetched behavior and cliche situations that it's become silly. I'm going to finish it but I'm done with Tom forever. He should stick with what he's good at - modern military non-fiction.

At home, the guys finally asked Ry to move out. He took it alright I was told and has already moved out. He's got a few large things left that I assume he'll ask if I can move for him with my truck when I got back. We've got a new guy moving in named Bill. His real name is William Wallace - yes that is correct. Bill's worked with Richard before, is closer to maturity to us and likes to cooks and have things clean. I think he'll make a good roomie. He still won't mix in on the level that Rich, Mark and myself do but I don't know of anyone else that would (maybe Ron).

Speaking of Ron, he came to Vegas to help his brother move and visit us. Unfortunately I will be out of town the entire time so I will miss him.

Now with all the changes and potentials I think I will be alright with saying in Vegas. I think I will be looking for another job but not in a huge hurry. I want something where I make about what I'm making now but doing real work and be happy. I wouldn't mind leaving IT and going into programming or even something less technical. I like working with my hands so even construction would be fun. I just need a place where he people are real (like my old job) and where I can do work (like my old job) and get paid well to do it (not like my old job) without coming home mentally exhausted ( unlike my old job).

Note: Road Movie to Berlin is from a They Might be Giants song. Thought it might make an interesting title for being on the road.

It's all relative

2005-12-27T14:37:00.000-08:00

I just got back from a week plus vacation from my relatives actually my sister's in-laws. Her husband's folks have a place in Florida and they invited everyone down for Christmas; they even paid for the airfare.

They have a place just 45 minutes from Orlando so we went a saw some of the cool things out there. We went to Epcot center one day and a place called Arabian nights another. We also went out to the bay and attempted some deep sea fishing but the seas were choppy and my sister chicken out before we got to the fishing spot.

I get along with my sister's in-laws just fine but they have different likes and opinion on things. The best way to put it is that they are meat and potatoes people with a touch of ignorance. My family likes to eat at exotic places and spending time doing things, my in-laws pretty much stick with white food and rush through things. they also have no concept of how to drive in heavy traffic and blame everyone around them for bad driving meanwhile driving huge rigs that they have problems manuevering. They don't seem to even try looking at things from other people's perspective.

Oh well, they could be a whole lot worse. They like us well enough and are always fighting over the priviledge of paying for the bill at wherever we go. You have to be quick and sneaky if you want to try and pay for something with them around.

Back home some interesting things are starting to develop. Ry's got fired from his job where Richard, Jenn and know Mark work at. It was no surprise to any of us and I was surprised after what I was told that it didn't happen sooner. Anways now there is talking asking Ry to move out. We basically do not want to create a Jeremy situation where Rich and I are screwed out of $6500 in back rent.

I still have mixed feelings about my new job. I'm not sure if I'm ultimately going to stay or not. I'm torn between the nice pay and relaxed work and the crazy office politics and sales-people personalities and working with George. I don't feel real challeneged either and unless I start doing development, to be honest I'm not really needed. I liked the people I worked with at my old job but it took a while to get like that with them.

With all the stuff going on both home and away I'm starting to develop a case of wanderlust. I'm not sure what I want to do anymore. I have a lot of things going on here so I can't justify doing anything about it. I can't really point my finger at what is wrong, just that I'm unhappy. I know I'm lonely but I'm starting to to think that is just going to have to be the norm for me. In a few years it won't even matter to me anymore as my youth will be gone. Granted I won't be old, but I won't be young either.

Life in the slow lane

2005-12-13T11:55:00.000-08:00

I've been working at my new job for over two weeks now. I was right about my workload - it's defintely light. I'm writing this now because I don't have much else to do that doesn't involve kicking someone offline or taking down a server which I can't do during the day. Things might pick up later as we start re-organizing our other sites and bringing them up to speed. I've had to start creating my own tasks. I wanted less work and now i have it but I find myself missing the challenges, it makes the day go much faster.

The new place is a sales based company so there are a lot of people that worry about numbers and reports not to mention the various salesmen personality types that are in and out. For a small company there are also a lot of inter-office politics going on which has already hampered my ability to do my job. I have 2 users at a site that are having connectivity problems and I want to get them something more stable than a cable modem there. Unfortunately there is some talking of moving them but no one can make a decesion on what their fate is. If i knew, I could adjust. Meanwhile they call everyday to complain about the quality and I am even able to tell them we might move their office.

I am again stuck in a office with people out of my age range but I think that is par for the course any more. While I'm sure I will get along with everyone, I don't think I'll be able to form the bonds I had with the people from my old company.

I have this feeling won't be staying with company for real long. I promised the guy that hired me that I'd stay at least a year but we'll see about that. The guy I replaced staying for 2 weeks and left for another job that offered a bit more.

At the end of this week I'll be flying with my mom to Florida to stay the week at my sister's in-laws house. We've got tons of things planned like going to Epcot center and Bush Gardens and deep sea fishing. I just hope we have time to relax too.

I thought taking a new job would help things. My stress level is better in that I'm not constantly worrying about my job and compensation but I still feel... trapped. Maybe it's just me wishing things had turned out differently. I remember the plans I had on where I wanted to be by certain ages and how short I've fallen and it's no one's fault other than my own.

On a brighter note I'm almost done with the second TV stand. I've one coat of paint which is going on tonight to finish. I've already got two more projects in the queue too. richard wants me to build a display cabinet for his minitures and a gaming table. These will require a higher quality of wood than 2x4s and plywood. I've got some good ideas for both and rich has given me some rough designs of what he had in mind.

Some things change

2005-11-30T08:57:00.000-08:00

It's been a bit and I actually have several new things to write about. I wanted to update more a while back but I'll go into why I haven't been able to.

The most notable change is that I have a new job.I am now a netowrk admin for a timeshare marketing company in town. The pay is much better and it's a raise in title. From what I've seen so far my work load will be half if not a third of what I had before and most of our remote sites have low-level techs to help them out so I only have to worry about the 2 Vegas offices plus no place is running anything high-end or a vast suite of programs. The most critical thing I have to worry about is email and connectivity. Basically it's a job I'm doing less and getting paid significantly more.

I really needed this change as my old job was getting much too stressful. I was doing the workload of 2 people with the responsibilities of 3. I'll miss all the people I use to work but I needed to move on.

Now as to the reason why I couldn't write earlier I was involved in an auto accident. I was on a business trip in the rural Nevada heading towards Eureka, NV. Earlier tis year I had an accident involving a deer walking in front of my truck. This time it was a coyote darting across the road in front of my rental vehicle. I slammed on the brakes when I saw the coyote and that car immediately fish-tailed and I ended up in a ditch down an embankment on the opposite side of the road. I was told later that I was very fortunate that the car hadn't flipped over. I walked away but my arm had been hurt. I wasn't in any pain but a little dazed from the accident. A guy with a satellite phone happened to stop and help me out. I had the ambulance people take me back to the clinic I had just finished some work at since my injuries weren't severe. Found out at the clinic that I had a small crack in one of my wrist bones and major bruising and some torn muscle tissue in my arm. The put my hand in a splint and I put ice on the arm for almost a week to reduce the swelling. I had little pain the whole time including the broken wrist which I couldn't even tell it was broken. The annoy thing I did have was that I kept pulling the muscle in my bicep several times a day for the first 3 days or so. I still have a knot in my arm and it been over 3 weeks but it getting better each day. I ended taking the splint off after 2 weeks instead of the 3 I was advised because at the time I absolutely needed to have my hand free to type. I was asked to document as much as I could for my company before I left.

At home my room mates just bought a new big screen tv for the xbox360 (our old one couldn't support the higher resolutions). With my previous success at building a stand for the old one they asked my to build a new one. I'm done with the construction of it and just need to finish the sanding and painting. Richard also wants me to build a display cabinet for his minitures and a gaming table. I'm going to be busy with projects for a while.

I called and spoke with Josie last week. I felt sorry for her; she sounded like she didn't have a whole lotta people to hang out with and spent most of her time at home. Winter is also almost here and such things tend to depress her. I really miss her. I told her I was going to send her something for christmas as well. Sam hit me when she found out was I planned on getting her not so much for what it was (an alpacha blanket) but because she couldn't understand why I'd be getting one for Josie and not for her. I wish I could explain why I let that girl affect me so but there is no logic for it anymore.

Reflections in the monitor

2005-10-19T17:02:00.000-07:00

I've been doing a lot of thinking lately which in my case can be a bit on the depressing and self-conscious side. I am unhappy with my life. Oh sure, lots of people are unhappy with their life why should I be any different? Because unlike a lot of other people, I know who the right person to blame is: myself.

There are lots of things I'm unhappy about. My job, while I am good at what I do and I'm at a point where there is no fear of failure, has become more stresful and less rewarding. I have been letting the small things get to me more, become more frustrated in things beyond my control and taking more things on because I think I am the only one that can do them right. I have too many things to do and too many people whinning about small things and a co-worker that is worthless but can't get rid of. Top this off with the knowledge that I work for about half of what the going rate is and my stress level is maxed.

My love life is more than non-existant. I can't get a woman to like me more than a friend. Oh sure, they say I'm a sweet guy and that if they weren't married, involved or otherwise not attracted to me they'd for for me in a second. Despite that notion that looks aren't everything, experience and obversation tells otherwise. The only women who I see pratice that philosophy do so because they themselves are unattractive. I realize this is a very jaded statement and I do not claim it to be any more than the view of a very jaded man but that is what I have become and until such a time that my opinion is shown to be invalid then I will most likely remain that way. I just want what any other flesh and blood man wants - to be loved by a woman. Am I really that pathetic?

Over the years I have come to believe that I can do anything I set out to do. I have become a jack of all trades but master of none. I like learning new things and don't really like doing the same thing for a long time. I am more intelligent and capable than the average person but if this is the case, than why am I broke and miserable. Shouldn't I be doing some worthwhile work and making bank doing it? No, I decided I was too good for homework and thus didn't finish college. Now a piece of paper and lack of connections and funds are keeping me from getting a better life. It also doesn't help that I have no luck at all. While I am highly capabable at what I do, I have had no real opportunity in life.

This is where the reflection part comes in. I think in order to get out of my current state, a profound change needs to take place and I've think it may be more than just a change of job. Whatever it is it's going to have to be significant enough to make a difference.

The way things are

2005-08-29T17:08:00.000-07:00

I feel like crap right now. Ya, I guess that's the best way to start this. My whole day has been crummy. First I pulled a muscle in my back this weekend so it's been sore all day. This morning the over-pass they are constructing near my house shifted traffic and I waited through 2 lights before decided that it was time to find an alternative route making me late getting to work. I spend most of my day working on the phone system instead of being able to do real work. I had to let someone down to because I know have no time to program and haven't for half a year. The other tech I work with continues to be lazy and unprofessional. And last but not least I have a stress headache. Kind of similar to the type of headaches you get when you are mad at something. Lately I've been so stressed I can't help but clentch my teeth which then gives me headaches.

I've been giving things a lot of thought lately. I think I've exhausted my possibilities of finding anyone here in Vegas. Internet ads proved a flop a long time ago, there isn't anyone at work I'd even consider any more, I don't go to school and don't plan on going back to an actual bricks and mortor school and my friends are pretty much a tight group that doesn't branch out. I don't think I'd want to meet the kind of women that frequent bars (maybe coffee shops). I miss Josie but she only wanted me as a friend. I don't know what I'm going to do now and I'm sad to say I'm probably in a better position now to find someone than I was a year ago.

I had some interesting conversation with Ry over dinner yesterday. We both like sushi so we went out to this place at Green Valley Ranch. It's expensive but good. We both talked about writing. He's got some neat manga-based projects he's working on. Ry is such a secretive guy you never know what he's thinking or up to. He's the type that doesn't speak unless he has something to say. He got me thinking about my writing again and maybe get a little more motivation about it. The problem is I'm usually not in the mood and when I am it is 3 in the morning and I have to go to work the next day.

I've been working on another project though. The roomies want a stand to raise our big screen tv about 3 feet off the ground. The problem is the tv is oddly shaped and heavy plus we want to raise it pretty high off the ground for a stand. I ended up building a stand out of 2x4s and plywood. Came out pretty good. The only thing left is to paint it.

Rich wants to see about building a custom gaming table as well. He found a design for one from some web site with built in square grid and put out trays. It'll take a little bit of engineering but I think I can accomidate something similar. I like building things, I always have so I don't mind doing the work.

Sam is back in town so we plan on starting back up on working out. I think it'll help my stress level tremendiously. Working out something to you to help you relax. It's almost like you need to get the blood pumping and exhaust the body in order to relax properly.

The Geek test

2005-08-15T17:44:00.000-07:00

While browsing through Craigslist for jobs I decided to take a peak in the personals. I know, I'm a sucker for punishment. I saw one that caught my eye - intelligent, attractive and FUNNY. So I thought what the heck and clicked to read it. The person sounded pretty interesting and no-nonsense. She didn't list anything that would have brought up a red flag either so I decided to write her. I told her I fit the description she was looking for. She wrote back and and wanted to know more so I let her have the geek test. No, I didn't give her one of those silly tests you see on spark.com. I simply told her what I did and what my normal routine was and sent her some pictures of me and my friends. That was Friday. It is end of the day Monday and I've got nothing. Her other emails were fast to respond and usually responded in the mornings. I received nothing all weekend (although if she only had computer access at work I can understand) but I should have gotten something Monday barring unforseen circumstance. I'll wait one more day (like I've got a waiting list or something) then I'll just chalk it up to another dishonest girl.

Oh sure, she listed specifics for what she was looking for but what she should have said is no fatty computer nerds. Well guess what, look on a web site for love and chances are, people that are heavy computer users will visit and respond. Don't expect your average geek to be fit either. I'm really sick of how misleading people can be. It's the reason I've given up on those ads. The women that list do not say what they want to say. They need to be honest with the other people. Although in my opinion most of them should say "psycho woman who only wishes to play with men's hearts"

I'm one of the few people out there that is willing to change mainly because I don't like myself. It's not a case of self-loathing just the fact that I know I could be and do more. I've had two female friends tell me similar sides to the same problem "you're too nice" or "you're not aggressive enough". Is it my fault that I actually respect someone enough that I'm not fawning all over them when we first meet? That I believe in being friends as well as lovers? My mind can not fathom that that is the issue. The issue is I'm not some skinny good-looking guy that women just faint for. I am not the object of female desire depsite all the other things I do to make up for it - the average young woman does not care. I am also not willing to lower my standards and settle for some one less either. There is no point even starting a relationship if I'm just going to be miserable and regretful. I use to be sad about my situation. I've progressed way beyond that - now I'm mad about it. Such things could cause me to develop a serious case of Misogynism if it already hasn't. I could go on a diet and lose the weight (something I want to do anyways) but the seed of doubt will be in my mind. Would she be dating me because I was thin and attractive, or because I'm a good person and she likes my company?

Then there is the meeting new people delema. I'm now too old to meet people at schools and such. People at work tend to be no where near what I'm looking for or would present difficulties. Meeting people in bars and clubs is out of the question if for no reason other than the fact that the average type that hangs out at those places wouldn't be compatiable. The internet has proved nothing but a disaster and I don't know enough people in different circles that I can look to friends. Coincidence that Jenn found someone for Mark but not me? Nope. I think she knows that as well as I do that I would be rejected by anyone she found because I wouldn't be attractive enough.

Ironically, one could say I'm fucked.

And then she was gone

2005-08-02T16:28:00.000-07:00

Josie has left. She is now in St Louis persuing her Masters Degree. I will miss her. I will miss her more than she knows. While I am saddened by her leaving it is probably for the best. It's hard to pine for someone that only thinks of you as a friend. Now that she is gone I can put my infatuation behind me and move on.

One of the ladies at one of our clinics was going to try and set me up with a person she works with but I found out today that person is going to be leaving us for another place. I probably shouldn't date people within the company even though we don't work for the same department or building - people here like to gossip. There was enough gossip about Josie and I and I was probably only hearing half of it.

So I'm back to square one but this time much better armed. I don't think I will wait as long to ask someone on a date because apparently women must have it established up front that it's a date and not just hanging out - meh. Maybe the minds need to be set into different modes.

We've finally managed to eliminate most of the high-end problems that have plagued us. We are still growing like cray but now it's small sites again and not great big, takes all week to setup places. I've managed to accomplish some work once again even with our other tech out (in fact I got a lot more done without him than with him around). He's back once again helping out and I plan on hitting several locations and catch up on tasks as well as start the install for a new site here in town.

I've kept in touch with the recruiter for jobs. The first one I applied for has moved on anyone and sounded like they might have gone with and outsourcer to handle their needs instead. She also had me apply for a position at The Wynn but I haven't heard anything from them. Too many techs competing for the same job most likely and without a degree, I get over-looked. My boss comes into town tomorrow for a few days. I may have a talk with him about bring my salary up again. When we talked orginally the plan was to raise it in several increments until I was near a local average.

I'm still pretty stressed out over things. Work is slowly calming down but not very fast. I paid for a massage from Sam's friend Glenda just so I could relax. She goes good work and it helped my muscles considerablely. I'm looking forward to going back and working out with Sam. I think the bit of physical exercise and talking with her had kept my stress levels down.

Stop and Go traffic

2005-07-18T16:16:00.000-07:00

Things have started to calm down for the moment, but only for the moment. We fixed a major poblem at work with our main router. Apparently it wasn't a problem with the router itself but the fact that our e-mail server was trying to send 50,000 message at once. Some one was trying to relay spam through our server. We've moved it to a service to help block all such ability. For the looks of it it looks they were all Taiwan, Brazil or Chinese hosts. Too bad the US doesn't beleive in outright blocking such places from even hitting the country. It might be illegal here but it's not elsewhere.

I've started to accept the fact that Josie only wants me as a friend. It's hard though especially if I spend time with her but once she leaves Vegas, things will get much easier. She doesn't like Vegas and I can't blame her. It's too hot during the summer, it's a desert, it's full of tourists, the colleges suck for anything useful, the Californians have driven housing prices through the roof and this town is more adult oriented than family. It's got a lot of cool stuff too but it's more suited to those with a more decadent lifestyle. Anyways, she's off an on tried subtling aksing if I'd be willing to leave Vegas. I know she would be thrilled if I moved out to St Louis with her. I'd be willing to move for someone I had a long-term relationship with but not for some one that just wants to have her friend come along while she dates other people, complains about them but still refuses to recognize at what is already in front of her. Best to just move on.

*sigh* I'm starting to become more and more bitter about women.

I'm stilling looking for a new job. My boss finally saw that our crazy expansion isn't going to stop anytime soon and that our part-time tech doesn't currently have the ability )or desire) to handle any more than he has to. It's like pulling teeth to get him to do anything other than answer a phone and surf the web all day. He's been doing better the last few days but I think my boss talked with him.

I've got a couple of job prospects. I applied for a sys admin job that pays twice as much about 3 weeks ago. Apparently the company is on hold but is still interested. The same recruiter though got wind that the Wynn Casino is looking for network techs too so I asked her to give them my resume as well. They want to hire several and keep the best. In my experience "the best" is not always the person with the most skill but the peson that gets along with everyone the best. Skills will get you in the door but personality will keep you in. In government, a degree will get you in and only a felony will get you out.

I've been talked into building a custom stand for our 60" projection TV so we can stand it up higher and put it in front of the computer area for everyone to see. It's a heavy SOB so I have to make sure it's supported and balanced well. The roomies all got together for my birthday and chipped in for a $200 for Lowes so I can buy the tools I'll need.

I think I'm ready to get back into writing as well. I'm going to take it slowly this time. I'm going to start with some short stories and then work my way back to my novels. On my sci-fi novel I think I'm going to rip it out and start from stratch. It was my fisrt one and it had no outline for it, just an idea that I went with. I think if I devote an hour each day that should help in getting my skills and creativity back. I would love for my writing to take off as then I could do something I like, am in complete control of and would be my own boss.

Aftermath and let down

2005-07-08T15:37:00.000-07:00

The last 3 weeks have been hectic and tiring. Work is literally killing me. I'm so stressed now I get stress aches in my back. I know my blood pressure has got to be through the roof. It's been bad enough that on drives home I sit there and practice my resignation rant. My boss only yesterday realized that we are going to need an additional tech since the one that's working part-time right now can only surf web pages and occasionally answer phones. He's lazy and doesn't even do the job right half the time when he does do work. Combine this with my boss running leaving for "personal things". Last week he was gone most of the week for something I only heard as rumor as family emergency. Between all these projects, equipment failure, growing pains and crappy pay I think I'm pretty much fed up with work. I'm looking for a new job.

That is just the work side. My relationship with Josie has a continuous guessing game. After we had our talk I was walking on eggshells the week after but things seemed to go back to the way they were before. We started hanging out much more though and our conversations are always good. We'd be perfect for each other if it wasn't for one thing - she can only think of me as a friend. It's very hard hanging out with someone when they only think of you that way. I thought that maybe telling her and giving her time would let her adjust to the idea - it didn't. Today she made a comment and that pretty much sealed it.

What I don't understand is that we talk about what we like in people and things and I know we'd be good for each other but then she makes counter-comments. I really am beginning to believe all women lie about what they want from a mate. Oh sure they say they want a nice guy that will treat them nice, listen to what they say, can do this and that but the reality is they want some cute or cool guy. Guys are at least honest. If we just want someone that looks good we don't sit there and lie about it - especially to ourselves. We don't try and delude ourselves or try to make like we are all noble about it. It's the same for the guys that aren't looking for just a body or face. Think about it this way: Most people relate to others as they relate to them selves, that's how perception works. Do guys worry about their bodies and make a huge fuss - generally not. Women on the other hand do. To someone that doesn't worry about their body being perfect, isn't going to worry so much about other people's body being perfect. If you do worry, then you are more likely to care how someone else looks.

You know, it doesn't matter any more. I just turned 27 and I'm in the same situation I was 6 years ago. Still working jobs that pay lower than they should even though I'm doing 3 times the work and have 10 times the knowledge and intelligence. I'm still single with no prospects and at this point no hope. There is no point in living a life where you work and come home to no one. Where the only thing you look forward to is sleeping in on the weekends. Where you are simply a waste of resources. If you contribute nothing, then there is no point or purpose to living and I don't want to be like that. I want so much more. I want to be a part of something. I want to be needed and wanted. As it stands now, I am replaceable.

I am really considering the option of just getting in my truck and driving and not stopping and not coming back.

To Tell the Truth

2005-06-15T16:06:00.000-07:00

Well, I decided I'd take a chance so I told Josie how I felt. It went how I thought it would. I should have been honest with her much, much sooner. She had gotten use to me being her friend so she didn't want to lose her friend. Why do women fear that the friend will just go away if they have a relationship?

We also talked about the fact that she was leaving in 6 weeks and doesn't have much desire to move back to Vegas nor I to leave at the moment. I've observed the result of long distance relationships - they don't work out. With no level of personal contact it is very hard on a couple.

We also talked about her fear of intimacy. She knows realistically that at some point in time it will come out. I'm a patient person. Heck I've been patient for 26 years what is a few more. Even if it's not me, if she ever wants to be in a lasting relationship such fears will have to be dealt with. Better with some one she can trust and that is willing to be patient and gentle. I think she needs someone that can take it slow and easy and let's her initiate contact and hold control. Not very men can do that. Normally the way I see it, ost women want the men to initiate and control for no reason other than it shows the confidence that women look for in a man.

I know she has a self-confidence issue the root of which she won't talk about. There are scars on her arm that I know they are self-inflicted, I've seen and even experienced a little of it before. She will not talk about it though - at all. That is the problem with psychological trauma, it can't be fixed unless it is brought out, discussed examined and rationalized but doing so mean reliving the experience. I understand first hand that it is easier to talk with a complete stranger about such thing then some one close. There is a layer of protection with such things.

The end result is now I am a different person in her eyes. The events have no changed but she will never be able to think of me as a friend. She has not changed one bit in my eyes and now I don't have to hold back the things I want to say. It's hard to bite your tongue and not say what you want to say. In her mind I know that she will be uncomfortable with me for she is now aware of the knowledge of my thoughts. She will be less likely to share her thoughts and be more gaurded instead of opening up.

So where do I go from here? I find someone that is quite compatiable, smart, creative, attractive and can spend time with but has issues such that she can rationalize why it shouldn't be. It's not necessarily that she doesn't but that she is affraid to be as well as the fact that we would be apart for quite a while. I know I should just let her go as it would be best for me but that is the problem when you care for someone, you only care for what is best for them. Maybe it would be best for her too. The distance does create a problem and she's afraid that she'll never be able to make me completely happy. It doesn't mean that it still doesn't fucking hurt.

To Be or Not To Be

2005-06-13T15:27:00.000-07:00

I had a very busy weekend. I drove 7 hours to pick up my truck then another 2 hours to Boise so i could get a smog check on it. Stayed the night at my mom's place and drove back home the next day. I took Friday off to do it because the shop wasn't open on a Saturday so I didn't lose my whole weekend.

Sunday was quite different. I spent the day with Josie at Mt. Charleston. It's not much of a mountain - over-loaded with tourists such as myself for one thing - but it's close and is good for a day trip with some hiking trails. Got a little bit sunburned too as a souvenir. Afterwards we got a bite to eat at Olive Garden.

Josie and I talked about all kinds of things. I learned a lot about her. She confirmed a fear of intimacy that I had been guessing about. I also confirmed a lack of experience as well. She's only had one boyfriend and with the fear of intimacy obviously not much physical experience. She said it took her 2 months to let her boyfriend kiss her. She hinted at something in her past causing it but she didn't want to talk about it. Such a thing goes along with trust issues too (which she agreed with when we were reading astrology profiles). She would need a person to be very patient with her and be able to wait until she was comfortable with and trusting in order to have a relationship. Ironic considering she once said she wanted a fling before she left town which is now about 6 weeks. Such a thing would not be able to work for her - just wonder if she knows it.

She just frustrates the heck out of me. First she tells Sam she thinks I'm cute so I think she's interested. At first I wasn't sure if I was but decided to get to know her a bit and find out. I guess part of my problem is I approach relationships differently. I want to know if I'm compatiable with some one mentally before I want to start a romantic relationship. This is opposite from just about every guy I know. Now we are good friends but she doens't think about me romantically. Instead I hear from her about the guys that don't call her for 3 weeks and when they do it's 3 in the morning, the guys that say they should get together so she can cook for them (something she doesn't do) and guys that try to hook up with her at clubs when she is only there to dance.

She is starting to become like most of the other women I've observed, met or tried to date. They say they want certain things in a mate but what they are really looking for is a confident and dominate man regardless of all other skills or abilities or personalities. They will even go so far as to put up with abuse and subserviant behavior as long as the man does not show weakness. Oh I've met a few exceptions to the rule but they are few and I can usually rational why. They are usually older women who no longer care as much about physical needs or who a little more wiser and realize the best relationships are those where friends become lovers instead of lovers that become friends.

A large part of me wants her to come around but the little voice of reason that keeps me in touch with reality tells me it just ain't gonna happen.

Start with a BANG!

2005-06-07T16:39:00.000-07:00

This week started with a bang. I come in Monday to find out that the young tech has called in, most of our remote sites can't print and several places can't access the server.

Over that last couple fo months I've been fighting a problem with a time out issue to terminal servers. Out of the blue an entire site would be denied access to a particulr terminal server. The response back from remote desktop would state the connection has time out. No MS KB article can explain it and even a google groups search hasn't turned up a clue. The event logs have a little to work with but nothing that is directly related to it. I tried cleaning up some other issues though that may be indirectly causing an issues. I won't be able to tell me results for a few days maybe even a week.

I found out my truck is fixed so I get to spend the day Friday driving up to get it then Saturday driving back down - oh yea. :- I do miss my truck. The poor car I have now is so low to the ground that you have to fall into it and crawl out. It doesn't take bumps well either - bumps I hardly noticed at all in my truck.

I got a new kitten. Sam from work found it wandering around outside one of our outreach clinics. She took it home and called me wanting I know if I could take it. She's got 5 cats already and her room mates weren't real keen on the idea of another. I had enough room mates here agree on it so I pickup him up this weekend. Sam said he looked like Batman with his coloration pattern so I named him Wayne after Bruce Wayne. Nothing says geek like a cat named after a comic book character. He's not real fond of the dogs yet but the dogs immediately took him - like a new crew toy. They think the cat is to play with and that's the problem. If they'd leave it alone it would get use to them. Instead they always want to "play" with him. The dogs scarred off the last cat so I'm not surprised.

I've been spending a lot more time with Josie and talking a lot with her over e-mail. As much as I like her I being to think that even if we did hook up we wouldn't be as happy with each other. She talks about flirting with guys at dance clubs but yet has issues being touched (and not by me). We figured that she had a protected childhood but I was hoping that sh'ed come around or become more comfortable. I'm probably the most comfortable person she's been around and that's saying alot.

This present s problem as I am the type of person that likes to touch and touch often. When I sleep I've got one pillow between my leg, one that is against my back and one that I wrap my arms around. If I had a girlfriend I'd want to wrap my arms around her and lay on the couch together as we watch the tv. It's quite frustrating to have someone flinch away from you just because their foot touched you as you were sitting on the couch. I need some one much more aggressive physically. I find it odd that some one that likes to dance as much as Josie does has intimacy issues. Hmm, maybe it's just that she is looking for something much more attractive than myself. I wouldn't blame her as I myself am very particular but it doesn't mean that it doesn't depress me a bit. In the end I think she only thinks of me as a friend and nothing more.

Speaking of depressed, Mark has a new girlfriend. Oh yeah, another reminder of my own loneliness. They do make a cute couple though and it's been an awfully long time for him. Getting buff from military training probably helped a lot. I'm glad for him, he deserves it.

The Rural Roundup

2005-05-31T17:56:00.000-07:00

I just got back from spending the last 2 weeks at our clinics in rural Nevada. They were all in badly need of some updates and I needed to go on a fact finding mission. My last boss was stingy on sending me out to these places which I concluded was for 2 reasons: He liked the frequent flier miles and if I went, he'd have to take user calls.

Profressional it went alright. I was able to bring all our sites up to date as far as software goes and fix any problems they were having. I took lots of pictures and recorded every bit of info I could. I had to wait until after hours at most plceas to do the brunt of the work which doesn't bother me. I also had to be there first thing in the morning to ensure that the two ladies with me could get their laptops connected for training of our new patient management program.

Unprofessional it was horrible. The hotels we stayed at were all nice and clean but they all had hard beds which hurt my back especially after have to sleep almost 2 weeks straight on them. This is an issue with most hotels. Near the end of my trip my back was so sore that I couldn't sit in most chairs and I had a hard time sitting for a long time in a car.

In the middle of the first week I hit a deer drive back after staying late at one of the clinics. I had slowed down to miss one deer only to have a second walk right in front. It did just enough damage to not be able to drive my truck. So then I had to go through the hassle of having it towed and repaired and getting a rental car. Fortunately I have good insurance with lots of coverage but now my truck is in some little town being repaired. I'll have to drive up and get it when it's ready which means two more sessions of 10 hours of driving as I still have to take it to Idaho to get a smog test done.

And lastly, the two ladies I was with got more stressed and upset as the week went on. One wouldn't tell me if she was having issues, she would just call her boss which then would talk to mine and then I'd hear about it from him. I mean WTF, if she had a problem all she had to do was tell me and even then the problems I heard back about I didn't even see. Then the other lady, some one I've never had any problems with really started freaking out about how long it took to print at one location and when she was complaining to my boss really over-exaggerated about it. What was funny was that the clinic personnel weren't the ones making a big deal, just her. I knew it was the stress from being away from home but it was still unnessecary. In the end, I was glad to be home. I almost wanted to quit my job some days. I kept thinking "They don't understand the reality of computers and networks and programming. It's not worth this shit."

All the time I was gone though I had several people write and time me they missed me including Josie. In fact I either wrote or talked to her every other day it seemed. I was very flattered. Now if only I could be more honest with my feelings toward her. Mark just met a new girl named Chelsea and they seemed to hit it off right away. I'm envious, I wish I could have a relationship like that.

I noticed I've been doing one update a month. It's probably going to be like that for a while. We've got a lot more projects ahead and little time. I don't know if it'll ever calm down. I also don't think I'm going to get what I was promised for my company. I was suppose to get several raise increments to bring me up to industry standard (or some semblence thereof). I got a 12% raise in January but I haven't seen anything since and I'm beginning to think it'll take a long time before I do. I've started looking around to see what my options are. I like the company and the people but this garbage of too much work with little time to do it is getting tiring. I don't think I'll ever get any of the programming I need to do done and people keep asking for more features all the while asking why isn't it rolled out everywhere. It's frustrating not being able to get it done.

Actually now that I thinking aobut it I think there are just too many frustrations in my life right now.

Anger Management

2005-04-28T17:26:00.000-07:00

I once thought of my life in the terms of Fire and Rain. Basically meaning I'm either angry or depressed. I'm not sure why. Sure there are little things that annoy or frustrate me but nothing that should keep my ire. I've been under constant stress about one thing or another for a while that might account for it but that's stress, not something that makes me angry.

I find myself playing scenarios out in my head. No, not the type where'd I gun down someone or something insane like that. Mainly it's past situations where I wanted to stand up and yell back at the person that's making me angry or frustrated instead of sit there and take it. You know like when some is really ride to you and instead of saying "Hey, screw you jerk!" and telling them off you sit there and just say sorry. Probably the right thing to do but at the same time it leaves a regret. They hurt you, why shouldn't you hurt back?

Anyways, all this anger/stress is maiing my cletch my teeth more often and thus gives me a sore jaw along with a loving headache. I just wish I could figure out why the stress/anger doesn't go away. When it does die down I just seem depressed. I don't have a lot to be depressed about, a heck of a lot less then the average person but I still am. I think it's because I think too much. I reflect a lot on my past - things I could have done, things I should have done, things I wish I could have done. I've been that way since I was a kid. Once when I was like 8 we went to a toy store and I could pick out anything I wanted under a certain price. I get what I really wanted because it was too much so I didn't pick anything out. Later I regretted not having picked something out and cried. My mom must have thought it pretty strange to be consoling a child because they didn't get something when they had the opportunity to. It was my own fault but I still felt bad.

I've always been sensitive to guilt and worry. I didn't come from an oppressive or repressive home. I probably had one of the nicest up-bringing a kid could ask for - middle class, parents that cared, no abuse, no yelling, nothing odd. We were just "normal" as I guess people would describe it. It makes me fell a bit disconnected for those around me that always talk about how bad their parents were or how horrible their childhood was or how wild they use to be. The worse thing I can come up with the the occasional name calling or bully but that happened to lots of other children and it was rare.

Anwyays, all this still doesn't explain why I've been feeling angry all the time lately. I'm not angry at any one or thing nor have I lasted out at anyone except for the frustrated tone from time to time at users that don't how to tie their show let alone us etheir computer.

A little piece and quiet

2005-03-04T15:25:00.000-08:00

This week has beena small break from the crazy going ons. It's been the first week all this year that I didn't have some project to work on while trying to do my normal routine. It's quiet right now - no ringing phones, no one stopping by my door with user questions, just quiet. It's a good thing too because I'm a little sleepy from lunch.

I should really switch to smaller meals eaten more often. Normally I have one or 2 big meals and then a go into a food comma. I've been doing better laely - eating less and being happy with half as much but I over did it today.

I haven't been playing much games lately. All my roomies are a couple of levels ahead of me in World of Warcraft. Doesn't really matter since I tend to solo more than I do play with them. It doesn't bother me as my passion for games has depreciated greatly over the years. I just don't as much satisfaction from them as I once did.

What I have been doing lately is watching more anime and movies. I have started buying episodes of Red Dwarf seeing as my hard drive ate my copies I had downloaded. No real skin off my nose, it's nice to have them on DVD but it was convient to pick and choose a playlist of what I wanted to watch from the computer. I also picked up the next season of South Park. Apparently season 5 is where they went over the top with some things.

One of the guys at work that has been helping me out showed me to this site where you can get fansub of stuff that is coming out in Japan right now. I was surprised to find a TV series of Ah My Goddess and Mahou Sensei Negima (Magister Negima). He also keep prodding me to watch a few others. I just don't have the evenng time he does. By the time I get home and make supper it's 7 or 8 plus I like to other things than just games and movies.

Last weekend I went with some friends to a Morracan restuarant called Marrakesh. It was aswesome. It's a small restuarant and it's beautifully decorated to produce just the right kind of atmosphere. They serve a six course pre-determined meal. You don't get a lot of choice but they do have substitution stuff for vegitarians. The food is all good and not spicy at all like the movie Along Came Polly would have you believe. The place even has a belly dancer that comes out and dances around teh restuarant every so often. She even encourages you to get up and dance. My friend got her to even have me get up and dance. I'm not really the dancing tpe as I am fairly self-conscience and not real agile. Everyone seemed to get a laugh out of it anyways.

The next night we did a game night at coffee house. It makes me sad when I have troubles with a game of trivia pursuit but the questions are always so obscure and outside my generation. I still win but it's not like I'm blowing away the competition by knowing about a lot of stuff.

The shop kicked us out around 9 so we all headed to a little bar and grill called Willies near the Stratosphere. Turned about to be a great place. They had a live jazz band that kicked ass (awesome lead female electric guitarist). The food is good and we broke out the games and played for a while.

It turned out to be a VERY fun weekend. I think I also finally figured out Josie feelings for me - she just wants to be friends. The message was very clear when she asked during a conversations about my room mates if I thought that my roomie Mark would like her. Ya, that's pretty loud and clear. While I'm disappointed it isn't the first time that a girl only wants me around on a non-romantic basis. There is also the issue that she is going back to school in August and doesn't really want to come back to Vegas.

She joked with the idea of me moving out to St Louis but I've got too much here in Vegas and I like my job. Besides, I don't think I could take moving out to a place for a girl to have her turn around and see other guys. I'm doomed forever to remain on the "friends" ladder. I've come to the conclusion that the two sexes are slowly trading places. Women are becoming more outgiong and agreesive (sexually too) and would rather see guys that are good looking than anything else while men are becoming more home-bodied, submissive and care less about appearances. The ladies at work trust me enough to talk me about their sex lives and they certainly aren't getting what they want. The men have lost their libido. What the hell happened?! Just because I seem to have an advanced understanding of things, doesn't mean I think it's logical. Some days I feel like just buckling down and hitting the gym just so I can trim and buff and get this awesome body and then flaunt it and turn down every girl that drools over me or asks me out and tell then "Sorry, I only go out with nerds" or something just to get them back. It'd never happen but it's fun to imagine. Oh well.

Tonight I'm going out with some friends at work to something called First Friday. Never heard of it but apparently other people have. Sounds like some type of artsy thing where people can show off their stuff. I'll either enjoy it or get pissed at all the pretenders and phoneys. Either way though, there will be alcohol. Alcohol helps as it brings all the thoughts, concerns, worries in my head down a few notches. I never drink to excess but I do find it has uses. :-)

And so it begins...

2005-02-23T21:00:00.000-08:00

A new journal, a new year and I think a new era. I was previously using Live Journal but this one looks more swank so I think I'll be using this from now on.

I guess the first thing I should is bring people up to speed. Currently I'm an MIS tech employed by a not-for-profit medical centers company that has sites all out rural Nevada and Las Vegas. I like my job and who I have to work with. I didn't always though. Previously I had a boss that was hard to work for. He was pretty much a prick to everyone. Let me put it this way, if a user needed help and I wasn't there, they would until the next day to call me instead of calling my old boss. Anyways that was the old boss and my new boss is much nicer and also more knowledgable about how an MIS department should be run. In fact, I just got back from sushi and sake with my new boss. Mmmm, still warm from the sake.

I've been in Vegas for over 6 years. It's hard to imagine that it's been that long but it has and I have little desire to leave. The only thing to complain about is the summer heat but that's what AC is for. :-)

I've got two awesome friends/room mates here that I've gone as far as co-own homes with. We have similar likes and interests and are mature, responsible people. We've known each other since high school and then went our seperate ways for college but got back together afterwards.

I'm pretty much of a geek as my tastes tend toward geeky things - computers, anime, sci-fi/fantasy, movies, etc. I never take my likes to the extreme but it's enough to still be considered geeky. I like to mix in other things with it to give me a nice balance. One thing that I'm big on is knowledge. My co-workers are usually amazed about how much I know on various subjects and I'm always pulling bits of trivia out. To me, I just like reading interesting bits of news, articles and trivia. If it wasn't for the homework, I would still be in college taking every class the school offered.

Right now my life consists of work (lots of it since they let my old boss go) and a little bit of play. I've started hanging out with friends from work a little more. I love doing stuff with my roomies but they tend to be more home bodies and I like to get out and do other things.

I've been hanging out with a girl from work quite a lot. She works for a different department and in a different building so I don't get to see her at work a lot but we call and talk to each other during the week and end up watching movies or other such things on the weekends. She even likes archery which is kind of unique and also quite appealing.

I think she only things of me as a friends which me feel a little sad only because it's par for the course for me. I don't know what it is, I tend to come off more as a friend or brother than I do as a lover. I won't push the matter as I'm afraid of killing the relationship. It maybe for the best anyways as she leaves in August.

I think that's good enough for now. I'm pretty tired and my head is still mellow from the sake. Not drunk or buzzed, just warm and mellow like being sleepy and laying next to a fireplace.

Day 1

2005-02-17T13:52:00.000-08:00

Hmmm, google's blogger seems pretty nice compared to LiveJournal. I'll have to check out things more when I have time. Today like the past 2 months has been busy.