Scott's Thoughts

To Tell the Truth

Well, I decided I'd take a chance so I told Josie how I felt. It went how I thought it would. I should have been honest with her much, much sooner. She had gotten use to me being her friend so she didn't want to lose her friend. Why do women fear that the friend will just go away if they have a relationship?

We also talked about the fact that she was leaving in 6 weeks and doesn't have much desire to move back to Vegas nor I to leave at the moment. I've observed the result of long distance relationships - they don't work out. With no level of personal contact it is very hard on a couple.

We also talked about her fear of intimacy. She knows realistically that at some point in time it will come out. I'm a patient person. Heck I've been patient for 26 years what is a few more. Even if it's not me, if she ever wants to be in a lasting relationship such fears will have to be dealt with. Better with some one she can trust and that is willing to be patient and gentle. I think she needs someone that can take it slow and easy and let's her initiate contact and hold control. Not very men can do that. Normally the way I see it, ost women want the men to initiate and control for no reason other than it shows the confidence that women look for in a man.

I know she has a self-confidence issue the root of which she won't talk about. There are scars on her arm that I know they are self-inflicted, I've seen and even experienced a little of it before. She will not talk about it though - at all. That is the problem with psychological trauma, it can't be fixed unless it is brought out, discussed examined and rationalized but doing so mean reliving the experience. I understand first hand that it is easier to talk with a complete stranger about such thing then some one close. There is a layer of protection with such things.

The end result is now I am a different person in her eyes. The events have no changed but she will never be able to think of me as a friend. She has not changed one bit in my eyes and now I don't have to hold back the things I want to say. It's hard to bite your tongue and not say what you want to say. In her mind I know that she will be uncomfortable with me for she is now aware of the knowledge of my thoughts. She will be less likely to share her thoughts and be more gaurded instead of opening up.

So where do I go from here? I find someone that is quite compatiable, smart, creative, attractive and can spend time with but has issues such that she can rationalize why it shouldn't be. It's not necessarily that she doesn't but that she is affraid to be as well as the fact that we would be apart for quite a while. I know I should just let her go as it would be best for me but that is the problem when you care for someone, you only care for what is best for them. Maybe it would be best for her too. The distance does create a problem and she's afraid that she'll never be able to make me completely happy. It doesn't mean that it still doesn't fucking hurt.

posted by Site Smith Scott @ 4:06 PM